Fly me back...to where my home is?

i'm running out of black clothes to wear...how long exactly is this part of the grieving process supposed to last? this makes me sound like i'm callous or something, just going through the ritual of mourning because i have no choice...but really, that's not the way it is. it's just that this is the easiest part of facing death...it's mindless, formal...i don't have to think about it. someone died? wear black. simple enough. but now that i'm reaching the end, i realize soon i'll be forced to think about the less mindless parts of dealing with death. what now that that's over? don't think i'm explaining this very lucidly...it still seems unreal to me, especially being so far away, and the only way to make it more of a reality is to wear black, have a tangible symbol of the fact that i am suffering Loss. but am i? see...that's the question, i don't know exactly how sad i'm supposed to feel. i go about life as normal and then i feel guilty...but were i to moan and act somberer than usual i would just feel a total hypocrite. how many ways are there to express sadness? maybe one of them is just to push on, acknowledging that though waking up day after day only to head towards death is futile, it's still something i have to do...a tribute to grandma in a way, living a life she cannot live, embracing the moments while they are still entirely mine. the whole irony of it is, now that she's no longer alive, her experiences are probably fuller, she is no longer trapped by a body and mind that refuses to cooperate with her resilient spirit. so in a way, we should be celebrating...maybe that's why i'm having so much problem trying to grieve, because deep inside i really believe she's better off where she is...which calls for joy rather than sorrow. maybe it's good that i'm running out of black clothes.
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yay! psych midterm is over...was pretty ok, think i should do fine on it. there's a display in front of the architecture building of different models of birds that the students built...some of them are really creative, people built birds out of plastic spoons, wire, mesh, wood...all sorts of things, some even have feathers glued on...looks pretty impressive. "one day i'll fly away..."
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