Friday, November 28, 2003
never thought i'd say this, but the familiarity of LA feels strangely comforting. just got here at 7 last night, but it's nice being able to go around and actually know where you're heading. i left berkeley on wednesday, the chungs came up to visit and we walked around for a while, went to yoghurt park where they bought up almost all the strawberry ice-cream (ok, yoghurt)...right, that's an exaggeration obviously. then we went to aunty kin's brother's place in palo alto...i seem to be spending a lot of time in that neighborhood lately! they drove her brother's mini-van down, and the battery went flat or something when we were about to leave berkeley, had to wait an hour or so for AAA to turn up and get it fixed. we were stuck on the corner of college and channing for the longest time (saw vince and jerjou going to...the den (?)...and we were still there when they headed back). spent the night at matthew and trevor's (chris: remember them? heaven!)...they're so adorable.
left palo alto at 10.30 the next morning. we would have left earlier except that just as we were about to depart, uncle buck realized his two front tires were flat (these people obviously never prayed for journey mercy before starting the trip!), so he had to get them rotated...then we were stuck for 2 hours on the 152, so by the time we got to so-cal it was about 6.30 already.
went to danny's for dinner (met his "smarter" brother michael), and we played settlers...taught the rest of his guests how to play, so it was pretty fun. after that i came over to sarah's, where i am now, to spend the night. going over to eric's house in orange county later...to have a big party with lots of good food! wonderful weekend...long wonderful weekend.
left palo alto at 10.30 the next morning. we would have left earlier except that just as we were about to depart, uncle buck realized his two front tires were flat (these people obviously never prayed for journey mercy before starting the trip!), so he had to get them rotated...then we were stuck for 2 hours on the 152, so by the time we got to so-cal it was about 6.30 already.
went to danny's for dinner (met his "smarter" brother michael), and we played settlers...taught the rest of his guests how to play, so it was pretty fun. after that i came over to sarah's, where i am now, to spend the night. going over to eric's house in orange county later...to have a big party with lots of good food! wonderful weekend...long wonderful weekend.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
i was so determined to get good studying done last night, but vince decided to show aladdin, and i had already asked him to postpone showing it twice, so i felt bad saying no again, plus i really wanted to watch it! so i went to see it with the rest of the guys, they laughed at me for knowing every line..."got to keep, one jump ahead of the breadline, one swing ahead of the sword...". aladdin was sooo good, one of those made during disney's peak...past the trippy period, but before the lame "i'm trying too hard" phase they're at now. ezra's commentary on the movie was almost as entertaining as the cartoon itself: "man...watching it now, i realize that aladdin's really good looking!". ha...had a swell time, came back, and went to bed as soon as i could (first i had to fold my laundry to get it off my bed), coz this morning i had to get up at 6 to meet with jenny at 7 to do QT, before going for morning prayer at 7.30. talk about starting the day right!
it's like a ghost town today, we were the only table at sproul for the longest time, and when the other tables appeared, there were so few of them...well, at least we're making our presence felt. it's hard for people to ignore the navigators table when we're the only one around.
(kev: got your message, sorry i didn't hear my phone ring as usual, thanks...i'm fine, i'll mail you when i find time)
it's like a ghost town today, we were the only table at sproul for the longest time, and when the other tables appeared, there were so few of them...well, at least we're making our presence felt. it's hard for people to ignore the navigators table when we're the only one around.
(kev: got your message, sorry i didn't hear my phone ring as usual, thanks...i'm fine, i'll mail you when i find time)
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
it's that time of year again, when everyone goes home to family, and i...go to whoever is charitable enough to take me in, or to whoever is as lonely as i am because they have no family as well. but still, it is the time of year to be thankful for what i do have, so...i'm thankful that i have new life in Christ, and that i am called his daughter, that i have the privilege of approaching his throne of grace with confidence, so that i might receive grace and mercy to help me in my time of need. i'm thankful for family that loves me, far away as i am, far away as they are, love transcends the wide span of the ocean, love does not even need to be expressed sometimes, because it can be felt, it's something you know, just because. i'm thankful for wonderful friends, both near and far...who think of me even though my sleeping hours don't coincide with theirs (or maybe they do, coz you ppl sleep and wake abnormally late, and i sleep and wake abnormally early! makes up for the time difference), who know me well enough to put up with my quirks and oddities, who are there in good times and bad, who love to do crazy things with me, but the next moment can be having the deepest conversations. i'm thankful for friends who are near and who spread out their hands of welcome despite not knowing me very well yet, who have always been more than generous with their love, who i delight in getting to know better. i'm thankful for good health, that despite the annoying knee i am young and vibrant, that i don't have to worry about pills and pains and aches, that i have been blessed with a great functioning body, that i am wonderfully made in God's image. i'm thankful for shelter over my head, for the knowledge that my future is secure in Jesus. i'm thankful for provision, that though my human body is so tied to material things like food and finance, God doesn't deem those things too insignificant, that because they matter to me, they matter to him. i'm thankful for the promise that each new day i walk step by step with my Savior, i'm thankful that his mercies are new every morning. i'm thankful for his living word, that speaks to me each day. i'm thankful for music, that part of God's spirit made tangible. i'm thankful for poetry, for a form of expression that allows me to...be. i'm thankful for Life.
Monday, November 24, 2003
just finished small group...today's study was "God cares for you", and indeed he does! we went around sharing how God has been good to us, in both big and small ways, especially in the last month or so...and it's only when i'm forced to consciously think about how he has blessed me that i realize how much he really does pour his favor on me. i'm not half as appreciative as i should be, thank you God for all you've done and all that you continue to do!
tracy said my blogs are long. i think i agree.
here's a poem that says it all, our world exactly.
"bad times:
the cars pass
by the elevated posts
and the movie sign
a man sells post-cards"
(courtesy george oppen: a discrete series)
here's a poem that says it all, our world exactly.
"bad times:
the cars pass
by the elevated posts
and the movie sign
a man sells post-cards"
(courtesy george oppen: a discrete series)
Sunday, November 23, 2003
we are the champions...ha, sorry about that. cal beat stanford 28-16 in the 106th big game, go bears!
now that we're done with that...let me return to the beginning. was going to do another memento-ish blog, but i figured it'd be easier to keep things straight if i started from the last time i blogged.
friday afternoon, walked down to shattuck and virginia (about half an hour's walk) with haoren to get a birthday cake for yingxim (one of my s'porean friends). realized that we didn't know what kind of cakes she likes, other than her not liking cheesecake (how is that possible?!). decided to go with chocolate, coz that's always a safe bet.
went for the bonfire rally at night at the greek theater...was basically a stanford-bashing, cal-spirit-boosting kind of affair, but it was mighty cool...well, for about 5 minutes it was really hot, when the bonfire was raging, but other than that the night was freezing. (as an aside: it reminded me of God providing a pillar of fire at night for the israelites in the wilderness, now i can appreciate how much of a difference fire really makes). it was pretty awesome being in a whole crowd of cal fans, was certainly an emotional moment, and i think it's amazing how people can feel so "bonded" over something like a football game. my favorite "item" was the two vintage mic men...they were 60 and 70 plus years old, but had so much energy, they were jumping around all over the place and led the cheers really well too.
after the bonfire rally, went to celebrate yingxim's bday...had the chocolate cake, then watched shrek, think it was my 4th or 5th time watching it, but it was still as good, although it's hard to find people who catch the more subtle disney spoofs like i do, you really have to have had grown up watching disney videos everyday to appreciate it fully, i think. i fell asleep during the part where shrek and princess fiona had their "misunderstanding" and went their separate ways...the sad music was simply too soothing, ha.
that was friday night. yesterday i went to susan's house (one of my navigators friends) to watch the big game. there was so much food there it was crazy...i was still stuffed by the time i got back at 2 plus in the morning last night. she's a fantastic cook! the big game was insane...well, not really, for the first half it looked like cal wouldn't get very far, stanford scored within the first quarter of the game, and cal didn't manage to catch up till the third quarter...their 7 fumbles and how many (3, 4?) turnovers in the first half didn't help. and the refs weren't very friendly either, there was a field goal that should obviously have made it, but both refs ruled that it didn't. how did that happen? but cal pulled through in the end, awesome team that they are, to smash stanford 28-16 (as earlier reported) ...once again, go bears!
after that we drove down to stanford for an event called big praise, which was basically the fellowship groups on the two campuses coming together to worship God and praise him. there weren't as many people there as i expected there to be, but it was still good being able to overcome school rivalry in Jesus's name and just lift him in praise and prayer. the worship was really really loud, and to be honest, i wasn't really getting into it at the beginning, maybe it had to do with being at stanford, maybe it was just the unfamiliarity of the songs, but it was hard to stay focused on worshipping God. and i've got to make a confession, their soundguy really irked me, coz he kept running around trying to fix the guitar, the mikes etc while worship was going on...and i thought that was really distracting and unnecessary, but then again...being so judgmental is not really in line with the spirit of worship, so all throughout thinking that i was also thinking, God forgive me, ha. after the first set of worship we broke up into small groups and prayed for each other (cal for stanford and vice versa) and i think everything started getting better after that, it really helped me get into the spirit of things, and i was really able to lift my voice up in prayer for the two campuses - campuses that are so richly blessed in talent and resources, campuses that are filled with bright young people who are motivated and highly-driven to succeed, who if won for Christ would be able to make such a difference in the world because these are the people likely to become future leaders and groundbreakers of this nation. it just blows me away what a position we are in to make a difference in the kingdom, college is such an opportune moment to win people who are already hungry and searching for answers. Lord, help me capitalize on the chances you give me to share your love. one thing the worship leader said struck me, we are only as close to God as our desperation for him. it really made me ask myself if i am desperate enough for God, and i thought...sadly, the answer is probably no. someone else went out to pray that the fervor with which both schools supported the football game would be the same energy that we channel into furthering God's kingdom, and i think that's something that we totally need to apply in our lives. i was just thinking about how an avid bridge converter i am...i mean, how many of you are results of my "bridge evangelizing"! if i only shared the gospel with that same passion, man...i'd be much more productive a christian than i am now.
(i was reading ezekiel today...came across a beautiful passage, from chapter 47..."i saw water coming out from under the threshold of the temple...it was a river that i could not cross...fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. every month they will bear, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing". may i be such a tree.)
after we got back from stanford, went to jenny's to play board games. i learnt how to play settlers, which is kind of like risk, except a more civil version. heard eric and abner talk about the game so much, but never got the chance to play it till last night...i won too! but i was kinda sleepy after that, so decided to sit out the second round. a group of other people were playing loaded questions, which is such a funny game to watch...think i laughed myself half-hoarse just watching them play.
when i finally got back to my dorm, it was about 2 in the morning. the funniest thing happened. tracy was sitting outside our room talking on the phone, so i asked her why she didn't go into the room. she told me she thought i had been sleeping in the room all along, so she didn't want to disturb me. she must have got a shock when she saw me walking up the corridor! ha...total opposite of the other time when she was already in bed and i thought she was still out so i left the lights on and the door unlocked. funny funny.
well, that was yesterday...long day. today's sunday (again!)...thanksgiving week too, yeah. the chungs are coming up tomorrow, but i don't think i'll get to see them till wednesday, and then i'll drive down with them to LA to visit all my friends there. yay, so exciting...but it also means i'm not going to get very much work done. studied hard (well, pretty hard) this morning before coming online. went through my psych notes, read my english reader, then started on chinua achebe's things fall apart, reading it for the 3rd time...assigned reading for my english class...at least it's a good book so i don't mind reading it.
my s'porean friends asked me to go oakland with them this morning to eat dim sum. i was sorely tempted, but still quite full from yesterday's barbecue, and anyway i have to go to church...the idea of dim sum is so good though! ah well, only another month before i'm back in s'pore, then i'll be able to have good and free (read: parent-paid) dim sum, ha.
now that we're done with that...let me return to the beginning. was going to do another memento-ish blog, but i figured it'd be easier to keep things straight if i started from the last time i blogged.
friday afternoon, walked down to shattuck and virginia (about half an hour's walk) with haoren to get a birthday cake for yingxim (one of my s'porean friends). realized that we didn't know what kind of cakes she likes, other than her not liking cheesecake (how is that possible?!). decided to go with chocolate, coz that's always a safe bet.
went for the bonfire rally at night at the greek theater...was basically a stanford-bashing, cal-spirit-boosting kind of affair, but it was mighty cool...well, for about 5 minutes it was really hot, when the bonfire was raging, but other than that the night was freezing. (as an aside: it reminded me of God providing a pillar of fire at night for the israelites in the wilderness, now i can appreciate how much of a difference fire really makes). it was pretty awesome being in a whole crowd of cal fans, was certainly an emotional moment, and i think it's amazing how people can feel so "bonded" over something like a football game. my favorite "item" was the two vintage mic men...they were 60 and 70 plus years old, but had so much energy, they were jumping around all over the place and led the cheers really well too.
after the bonfire rally, went to celebrate yingxim's bday...had the chocolate cake, then watched shrek, think it was my 4th or 5th time watching it, but it was still as good, although it's hard to find people who catch the more subtle disney spoofs like i do, you really have to have had grown up watching disney videos everyday to appreciate it fully, i think. i fell asleep during the part where shrek and princess fiona had their "misunderstanding" and went their separate ways...the sad music was simply too soothing, ha.
that was friday night. yesterday i went to susan's house (one of my navigators friends) to watch the big game. there was so much food there it was crazy...i was still stuffed by the time i got back at 2 plus in the morning last night. she's a fantastic cook! the big game was insane...well, not really, for the first half it looked like cal wouldn't get very far, stanford scored within the first quarter of the game, and cal didn't manage to catch up till the third quarter...their 7 fumbles and how many (3, 4?) turnovers in the first half didn't help. and the refs weren't very friendly either, there was a field goal that should obviously have made it, but both refs ruled that it didn't. how did that happen? but cal pulled through in the end, awesome team that they are, to smash stanford 28-16 (as earlier reported) ...once again, go bears!
after that we drove down to stanford for an event called big praise, which was basically the fellowship groups on the two campuses coming together to worship God and praise him. there weren't as many people there as i expected there to be, but it was still good being able to overcome school rivalry in Jesus's name and just lift him in praise and prayer. the worship was really really loud, and to be honest, i wasn't really getting into it at the beginning, maybe it had to do with being at stanford, maybe it was just the unfamiliarity of the songs, but it was hard to stay focused on worshipping God. and i've got to make a confession, their soundguy really irked me, coz he kept running around trying to fix the guitar, the mikes etc while worship was going on...and i thought that was really distracting and unnecessary, but then again...being so judgmental is not really in line with the spirit of worship, so all throughout thinking that i was also thinking, God forgive me, ha. after the first set of worship we broke up into small groups and prayed for each other (cal for stanford and vice versa) and i think everything started getting better after that, it really helped me get into the spirit of things, and i was really able to lift my voice up in prayer for the two campuses - campuses that are so richly blessed in talent and resources, campuses that are filled with bright young people who are motivated and highly-driven to succeed, who if won for Christ would be able to make such a difference in the world because these are the people likely to become future leaders and groundbreakers of this nation. it just blows me away what a position we are in to make a difference in the kingdom, college is such an opportune moment to win people who are already hungry and searching for answers. Lord, help me capitalize on the chances you give me to share your love. one thing the worship leader said struck me, we are only as close to God as our desperation for him. it really made me ask myself if i am desperate enough for God, and i thought...sadly, the answer is probably no. someone else went out to pray that the fervor with which both schools supported the football game would be the same energy that we channel into furthering God's kingdom, and i think that's something that we totally need to apply in our lives. i was just thinking about how an avid bridge converter i am...i mean, how many of you are results of my "bridge evangelizing"! if i only shared the gospel with that same passion, man...i'd be much more productive a christian than i am now.
(i was reading ezekiel today...came across a beautiful passage, from chapter 47..."i saw water coming out from under the threshold of the temple...it was a river that i could not cross...fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. every month they will bear, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing". may i be such a tree.)
after we got back from stanford, went to jenny's to play board games. i learnt how to play settlers, which is kind of like risk, except a more civil version. heard eric and abner talk about the game so much, but never got the chance to play it till last night...i won too! but i was kinda sleepy after that, so decided to sit out the second round. a group of other people were playing loaded questions, which is such a funny game to watch...think i laughed myself half-hoarse just watching them play.
when i finally got back to my dorm, it was about 2 in the morning. the funniest thing happened. tracy was sitting outside our room talking on the phone, so i asked her why she didn't go into the room. she told me she thought i had been sleeping in the room all along, so she didn't want to disturb me. she must have got a shock when she saw me walking up the corridor! ha...total opposite of the other time when she was already in bed and i thought she was still out so i left the lights on and the door unlocked. funny funny.
well, that was yesterday...long day. today's sunday (again!)...thanksgiving week too, yeah. the chungs are coming up tomorrow, but i don't think i'll get to see them till wednesday, and then i'll drive down with them to LA to visit all my friends there. yay, so exciting...but it also means i'm not going to get very much work done. studied hard (well, pretty hard) this morning before coming online. went through my psych notes, read my english reader, then started on chinua achebe's things fall apart, reading it for the 3rd time...assigned reading for my english class...at least it's a good book so i don't mind reading it.
my s'porean friends asked me to go oakland with them this morning to eat dim sum. i was sorely tempted, but still quite full from yesterday's barbecue, and anyway i have to go to church...the idea of dim sum is so good though! ah well, only another month before i'm back in s'pore, then i'll be able to have good and free (read: parent-paid) dim sum, ha.
Friday, November 21, 2003
one word: frustration. who says i can't be economical with language?
i watched the sun come up today. it wasn't a brilliant sunrise, more one of those gentle, quiet ones that was still breathtaking in how it subtly washed the sky with an array of color. blue fading into purple into pink into orange, was absolutely beautiful, and it just made me feel so...awake. even though last night i went to bed past my bedtime (ha) coz i was playing frisbee with the guys at underhill parking lot. we hit quite a lot of cars, and they were swell looking cars too...i left earlier than the rest of them to go to bed, but i heard that the frisbee split into two later on...are we good players or what?
that was after large group meeting, during which danny talked about fellowship...which is basically spurring each other on towards love and good deeds, and encouraging each other. i think what struck me most was when he talked about how to let people into our lives, we need transparency and vulnerability. transparency is like a window, where people can look inside, but vulnerability is like a sliding glass door...where people can not only look into, but enter. thought that was a wonderful illustration, and that's definitely an area of my life i need to work on. i think i'm more like a window with the shades drawn most of the time.
before large group i met with jenny for discipling, in the bear's lair...believe it or not, that's the first time i've been into that cafe-like place, it's pretty nice looking inside, and we stayed there till they closed, surprised they didn't come kick us out. discipling was good, but hard...like i said, it's hard for me to be open about the "deeper" stuff that's going on in my life. and jenny said she was praying that my life would be "ruffled" a little, which is a way dangerous prayer to make, coz when God stirs things up, he can stir them up in mighty unpleasant ways. sure, there'll be wonderful lessons to learn from them, but the process is far from enjoyable.
before discipling i went for this celebrating diversity night event at the transfer student center, was there for a really short while coz i had to leave to meet jenny. there was supposed to be a variety of ethnic foods, but really...there was only pizza and salad, much diversity indeed!
on my way to class in the afternoon i saw a guy on a skateboard being pulled by this huge dog, the dog was running pretty fast and the guy was just gliding along, looked really fun, and i thought, hey...i want to do that too. then i realized:
1) i'd need to get a dog
2) i'd need to get a skateboard
3) i'd need to learn how to ride the skateboard
so i decided i'd just stick with my legs.
hey, today's blog is kinda memento-ish...in reverse chronological order. now, back to the present.
that was after large group meeting, during which danny talked about fellowship...which is basically spurring each other on towards love and good deeds, and encouraging each other. i think what struck me most was when he talked about how to let people into our lives, we need transparency and vulnerability. transparency is like a window, where people can look inside, but vulnerability is like a sliding glass door...where people can not only look into, but enter. thought that was a wonderful illustration, and that's definitely an area of my life i need to work on. i think i'm more like a window with the shades drawn most of the time.
before large group i met with jenny for discipling, in the bear's lair...believe it or not, that's the first time i've been into that cafe-like place, it's pretty nice looking inside, and we stayed there till they closed, surprised they didn't come kick us out. discipling was good, but hard...like i said, it's hard for me to be open about the "deeper" stuff that's going on in my life. and jenny said she was praying that my life would be "ruffled" a little, which is a way dangerous prayer to make, coz when God stirs things up, he can stir them up in mighty unpleasant ways. sure, there'll be wonderful lessons to learn from them, but the process is far from enjoyable.
before discipling i went for this celebrating diversity night event at the transfer student center, was there for a really short while coz i had to leave to meet jenny. there was supposed to be a variety of ethnic foods, but really...there was only pizza and salad, much diversity indeed!
on my way to class in the afternoon i saw a guy on a skateboard being pulled by this huge dog, the dog was running pretty fast and the guy was just gliding along, looked really fun, and i thought, hey...i want to do that too. then i realized:
1) i'd need to get a dog
2) i'd need to get a skateboard
3) i'd need to learn how to ride the skateboard
so i decided i'd just stick with my legs.
hey, today's blog is kinda memento-ish...in reverse chronological order. now, back to the present.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
sigh...why is everything so messed up? it is not fun to be a transfer student here. i was on the waiting list for my psych classes, coz i just declared myself a psych major this semester, and since their bureaucracy takes forever to wade through, i wasn't recognized as an official psych major when i registered for my classes, hence i was channeled straight onto the waiting list. i went to talk to students services about 2 weeks ago, and they told me to check back in a week, i should be in my classes by then blah blah blah...by this morning i was still on the waiting list, so i went to ask them again, and now they tell me, sorry, the class is already full. now what am i supposed to do?! i was moved off the waiting list into one of the classes, but the other one is a no-go, so i have to find another class to register for and pray very very hard there will still be spaces left by my next telebears appointment, which isn't until the first week of december. the class i need is almost full already, so my chances are very slim, please pray really hard! this messes up my entire schedule for next semester, and i need to take at least 2 psych classes each semester if i plan to get out of here on time. have i mentioned the bureacracy here irks me? thought i wouldn't have to deal with these problems anymore since i got myself declared as a major, but i guess not...God grant me patience. well, at least i've been moved into one of my classes, praise God for that. got to keep philippians 4:6-7 in mind!
"Prose...must return to its only purpose; to clarity to enlighten the understanding...Poetry has to do with the crystallization of the imagination - the perfection of new forms as additions to nature."
quick tell me, quick tell me, she said. i looked at her, not now...it's not the right time. i saw the annoyance and anger pass across her face, but also the flash of sadness i'm sure i wasn't meant to see. the look that said, if not now then when? when's the hour, when's the time? but i pretended not to notice, because i had no answers, and she wouldn't have wanted me to answer her anyway. alright, let's get started, then...she opened her notebook and took out a pen. i sat and stared at her, wondering why it always worked out this way, why no matter how hard we tried we could never connect. i wanted to look into her, but all i saw all i saw all i saw was the wall she had put up for me to see. it was safer that way, we both acknowledged. she finally returned my look, we're not going to get any work done, with you acting like that. i was silent, what could i say? she snapped her book shut, call me when you're ready, i don't have time to waste. then she was on her way, walking out like she always did, like i always let her. i picked up my cup and sipped from it, slowly, watching her walk away, again.
~~~
maybe you mean more to me
than i'd care to admit
maybe your presence fills a need
that i stubborn, would rather let be
maybe your voice rings a bell
because i've known you somewhere before
maybe your touch opens a door
through which i walked, and fell
maybe your song strikes a chord
that i'm happy to hide
maybe you see through me inside
to what i am, and what i'm not
"There is no confusion - only difficulties" - William Carlos Williams
quick tell me, quick tell me, she said. i looked at her, not now...it's not the right time. i saw the annoyance and anger pass across her face, but also the flash of sadness i'm sure i wasn't meant to see. the look that said, if not now then when? when's the hour, when's the time? but i pretended not to notice, because i had no answers, and she wouldn't have wanted me to answer her anyway. alright, let's get started, then...she opened her notebook and took out a pen. i sat and stared at her, wondering why it always worked out this way, why no matter how hard we tried we could never connect. i wanted to look into her, but all i saw all i saw all i saw was the wall she had put up for me to see. it was safer that way, we both acknowledged. she finally returned my look, we're not going to get any work done, with you acting like that. i was silent, what could i say? she snapped her book shut, call me when you're ready, i don't have time to waste. then she was on her way, walking out like she always did, like i always let her. i picked up my cup and sipped from it, slowly, watching her walk away, again.
~~~
maybe you mean more to me
than i'd care to admit
maybe your presence fills a need
that i stubborn, would rather let be
maybe your voice rings a bell
because i've known you somewhere before
maybe your touch opens a door
through which i walked, and fell
maybe your song strikes a chord
that i'm happy to hide
maybe you see through me inside
to what i am, and what i'm not
"There is no confusion - only difficulties" - William Carlos Williams
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
walter mischel! man...other teenage girls go crazy over pop stars or what not, me? i just get excited over big names like walter mischel! he's one of the two big guys who came up with the social cognitive theory in psych. open a psych book, turn to the social cognitive chapter, and whose name and face do you see? walter mischel! but no...didn't need to do that today, coz the man himself was at cal. gosh, i'm such a nerd. but it was really awesome going to hear him speak...he talked about basically everything that was in my textbook, but wow, to think that everything i was hearing was coming from the source, that was exciting. the room was full of old people (and i mean white hair old!) and grad students. think the undergrads weren't particularly supposed to be there, coz of limited space, but my gsi let slip that it was going to happen, so i turned up anyway. watched a cool video on a study he was doing on delayed gratification in kids, was really cute too. but walter mischel! he reminded me of that star trek guy...what's his name? oh yeah, patrick stewart. it might have something to do with their common lack of hair. yeah...kind of sad, this is the kind of event that makes my day.
went for early morning prayer this morning, the day started out quite warm, but then turned cold while i was doing my QT...i couldn't take it after a while, went into the chavez student center to finish up, where i bumped into 2 singaporean sophomores, chintah and shi hua, who told me that GBC (golden bear cafe) has cheap breakfast, $1.99 for potatoes, eggs and toast. sounds good...but cereal does me just as well (sean: until i book in to your hotel for fresh bread!).
went up the campanile at last today! it's this tall clock tower in my school, and there's supposedly a really good view if you go all the way to the top. well, the view was good, but it was kinda foggy, so couldn't really see too far, and they had these iron bars up as a safety precaution i guess, so the view had to be enjoyed through "prison bars". i think i prefer the view from barrows, coz you can actually see the campanile, which is one of the prettiest sights on the landscape, in my opinion. from so high up, everything looks really small and close to each other, but when you're on the ground actually walking that distance, it seems much longer...that's what we must look like to God, tiny things scampering around with heads so big it's amazing our bodies hold them up.
the construction in front of my window is progressing rapidly, maybe i should wave to the construction workers...wonder if they'll wave back. got to remember to draw the curtains when i change now, i'm usually too lazy to do it, coz i figure, who's looking in anyway? ha...k, too much information.
oh, saw a dead rat today. and it wasn't just dead, it was flattened with its insides pouring out and blood all over. guess it got rolled over by a car, but it sure wasn't a pretty sight. it's a good thing i'm not into reading signs in the things i see...dead rat, *shudder*.
received information from the california school of professional psychology (CSPP) in the mail today, got to look it over and decide if maybe that's a place i'm meant to be. going to grad school in psych would mean at least another 5 years of commitment, not sure if that's what God has mapped out for me, but i'll keep praying about it. alternatively, i could just work on finding that rich husband, ha...kidding. a tai tai-ish lifestyle is nice to dream about, but it probably wouldn't work for me.
went up the campanile at last today! it's this tall clock tower in my school, and there's supposedly a really good view if you go all the way to the top. well, the view was good, but it was kinda foggy, so couldn't really see too far, and they had these iron bars up as a safety precaution i guess, so the view had to be enjoyed through "prison bars". i think i prefer the view from barrows, coz you can actually see the campanile, which is one of the prettiest sights on the landscape, in my opinion. from so high up, everything looks really small and close to each other, but when you're on the ground actually walking that distance, it seems much longer...that's what we must look like to God, tiny things scampering around with heads so big it's amazing our bodies hold them up.
the construction in front of my window is progressing rapidly, maybe i should wave to the construction workers...wonder if they'll wave back. got to remember to draw the curtains when i change now, i'm usually too lazy to do it, coz i figure, who's looking in anyway? ha...k, too much information.
oh, saw a dead rat today. and it wasn't just dead, it was flattened with its insides pouring out and blood all over. guess it got rolled over by a car, but it sure wasn't a pretty sight. it's a good thing i'm not into reading signs in the things i see...dead rat, *shudder*.
received information from the california school of professional psychology (CSPP) in the mail today, got to look it over and decide if maybe that's a place i'm meant to be. going to grad school in psych would mean at least another 5 years of commitment, not sure if that's what God has mapped out for me, but i'll keep praying about it. alternatively, i could just work on finding that rich husband, ha...kidding. a tai tai-ish lifestyle is nice to dream about, but it probably wouldn't work for me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
survived tuesday. yay. was reading time's coolest inventions, and some of them are pretty cool...here are my favorites (in no order of merit).
1) friendster!
2)the gibbs aquada - an amphibious vehicle that looks way cool
3) infrared fever screening system - not really a favorite, but it was invented by s'pore's DSTA, so i feel obliged to mention it!
4)intelligent oven - has 2 separate compartments that can heat and cool food independently of each other, and can be programmed to cook at a certain time
5) toshiba's tablet PC
6)a water purifier that cleanses water by using excess heat - s'pore needs something like that for sure!
men (and women) are so smart...it's amazing what people can come up with. even more amazing is the one who created our brain. i mean, that thing is so intricate yet so tough, i'm just blown away by God's genius...who could even come close to replicating it? sure...all these machines are really cool, but at the end of the day they are just machines, because other than our wonderful brains, God's masterpiece was topped off by the creation of the spirit...your spirit, mine...are all the whirls and dots of the artist's proud signature on his finished canvas.
1) friendster!
2)the gibbs aquada - an amphibious vehicle that looks way cool
3) infrared fever screening system - not really a favorite, but it was invented by s'pore's DSTA, so i feel obliged to mention it!
4)intelligent oven - has 2 separate compartments that can heat and cool food independently of each other, and can be programmed to cook at a certain time
5) toshiba's tablet PC
6)a water purifier that cleanses water by using excess heat - s'pore needs something like that for sure!
men (and women) are so smart...it's amazing what people can come up with. even more amazing is the one who created our brain. i mean, that thing is so intricate yet so tough, i'm just blown away by God's genius...who could even come close to replicating it? sure...all these machines are really cool, but at the end of the day they are just machines, because other than our wonderful brains, God's masterpiece was topped off by the creation of the spirit...your spirit, mine...are all the whirls and dots of the artist's proud signature on his finished canvas.
Monday, November 17, 2003
instead of small group today we had a guest speaker from japan come speak to us...he's half white and half japanese, name is arthur hollands, but he grew up in japan. a very entertaining speaker, but more importantly, he was absolutely down-to-earth about how God has worked in his life and opened many doors for him to serve the people around him. he used to be one of those gangster types that God miraculously transformed, and now he's a walking, talking power house for the kingdom. pretty amazing...
jenny wants to go jogging every morning at 6.30...even for an early riser like me, that's early. think i'll join her some days of the week.
"we are such things as dreams are made of"...that's from the tempest. bello isn't it? my pal willy might not have been very original, but boy was he original! if you get what i mean.
ah well, back to the books.
jenny wants to go jogging every morning at 6.30...even for an early riser like me, that's early. think i'll join her some days of the week.
"we are such things as dreams are made of"...that's from the tempest. bello isn't it? my pal willy might not have been very original, but boy was he original! if you get what i mean.
ah well, back to the books.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
went to regeneration for church today, it was...weird. well, it was weird in a good sense. the service was really untraditional, struck me as a cross between being hippie-ish and orthodox-ish. i know that doesn't make very much sense, it's one of those things you have to actually experience to understand. it's an outspoken church for sure, they tell it like it is. i did enjoy the sermon though, the church is doing a series on revelations, and that's always interesting...they were on chapter 4 today, where john is called up into the third heaven and he sees a throne with this royal figure sitting on it. wow...can't wait for that sight in heaven. it was strange, regen had a "fellowship" break right in between worship and sermon, just another thing that made it strange...after that the whole group of us (about 6 or 7 navs people) walked past danny and milton's place, so we decided to drop by and say hello. jerjou pretended to be a r&l pizza delivery guy, and danny totally bought it, ha.
went up to vince's room on the 8th floor before leaving for church to look at the sunset...another of those sights that just make you go, wow...God is so awesome. it was beautiful, splatterings of pink and purple and orange, and not just splatterings, but fused in such seamless fashion that they almost created a color too beautiful to name. i was looking at it out of my window at first, but that meant looking past the construction and the other block in front of me, so i went up to the 8th floor for a less obstructed view. it was great, but i think i still prefer sunrises to sunsets...morning is my favorite time of day after all, and what follows a sunset is darkness (like i was telling vic, "it was lavender, and pink, and orange. now it's just black"), but what follows a sunrise is a whole new day yet to be lived...ok, won't lapse into another rhapsody of morning, although that would be such an easy thing for me to do.
ok, back to studying...haven't progressed very far on my chapter on aggression.
went up to vince's room on the 8th floor before leaving for church to look at the sunset...another of those sights that just make you go, wow...God is so awesome. it was beautiful, splatterings of pink and purple and orange, and not just splatterings, but fused in such seamless fashion that they almost created a color too beautiful to name. i was looking at it out of my window at first, but that meant looking past the construction and the other block in front of me, so i went up to the 8th floor for a less obstructed view. it was great, but i think i still prefer sunrises to sunsets...morning is my favorite time of day after all, and what follows a sunset is darkness (like i was telling vic, "it was lavender, and pink, and orange. now it's just black"), but what follows a sunrise is a whole new day yet to be lived...ok, won't lapse into another rhapsody of morning, although that would be such an easy thing for me to do.
ok, back to studying...haven't progressed very far on my chapter on aggression.
just got back from smsa's (the s'porean-malaysian club, ok...association) own big game. every year, the stanford ppl come down (or we go up) to play our own s'porean games (captain's ball, soccer!)...this year the stanford people couldn't make it, but we decided to play on our own anyway. God was so good (as always)...it was forecasted to rain this morning, and it would have been dreadful playing in the rain, so i was praying hard for good weather, and of course...since i talked about praying specifically...asked that the rain would hold up until our games were over and that the sun would shine. and God answered in a big way...it was so sunny we had to take off our sweatshirts even before we started playing! praise him! just because it wasn't raining though, doesn't mean that memorial glade wasn't muddy...some parts of it were extremely so, especially because it's been raining for the past week. we were playing frisbee and i dove for the frisbee, while this guy, mark, on the other team did the same thing, and he ended up squashing me (he was literally lying on me for 5 seconds...which felt way longer) so i got a good mouthful (and pantful) of mud. couldn't stand straight for a while after that, i'm going to be so sore tomorrow, i can feel it already. came back, washed out my pants (not fun! reminded me of nanga lebang, after that volleyball game in the rain and mud...now that was fun, wonderful memories). still have my shoes to wash, but i think me and the other s'poreans (ok, let me correct myself...the other s'poreans and i) living in my unit are just going to pool our shoes and throw them in the machine, would make life much easier...and cleaner. it's so cloudy outside now, looks like it's about to rain, like i said, God is the best! going to church at regeneration tonight since i obviously couldn't make it for living water's 1.30 service. should be pretty cool to check out a new church anyway. alright, off to read about aggression: why we hurt other people. that's the title of my psych chapter for the week, should be interesting.
i just love the book of james, "consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters!), whenever you face trials of many kinds". i mean...that is one friendly opening. are you being persecuted? rejoice! are you homeless and hungry? rejoice! do you have no money to see you through the school term? rejoice! is a family member very ill? rejoice! easier said than done...but james doesn't leave it at that, "because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". ah...so that's what all those trials are about? to grow us into completion. isn't there an easier way? it's comforting, in some way, to know that the trials we go through are not pointless, that there is a purpose to them. doesn't make them more fun, but maybe makes them more bearable. but what if our trials look more like, why won't this pimple go away? or why won't dad sponsor my 100th video game of the month? or why won't my hair lie flat? puny and insignificant as these things are, as we look at them from the inside-out as they happen they can be overwhelmingly large...james refers to trials of many kinds - big, small, long-term, short-term...the point is to look at them with the right spirit. "if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God"...how often we fail to do that, i fail to do that. when i have such a wonderful resource at hand to see me through every circumstance, why don't i tap into it? am i afraid that God will say no...that i will turn out too undeserving of receiving wisdom from him? no, God "gives generously to all without finding fault"...wow, looks like i should start opening my mouth to ask and my spirit to receive. there is one condition, "but when he asks, he must believe and not doubt"...my heart must believe that God will answer, and that might just be the hardest part of all...how many times do we limit our prayers and down-size them because we think...nah, God couldn't do that...or...maybe he could, but he's not going to do that for me. if there's anything i've learnt over the last month, it's that praying big and praying specifically really works! God isn't tied down by our human frames of time and space and logical possibilities. in fact, more often than not, he answers prayers in the least expected ways. "consider it pure joy"...that's something that becomes easier to do when we think about it in the light of God's grace, goodness and power.
"Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."
"Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."
Saturday, November 15, 2003
matrix revolutions was...ok. that's such a non-descriptive word i almost feel bad using it, but it really was just that. it wasn't terrible, guess i went in with very low expectations, so there was no disappointment to be had. and it also wasn't great...plot was loosely tied up at the end i think, and the last fight scene in the rain was just too unreal for me to like it. but i did like how...uh-oh, if i say anymore i'll be giving away the plot to those who haven't seen it yet. let's just say the part i liked was also the part i found lame in reloaded, so for those of you who know which part i really didn't like in reloaded will sort of get what i'm talking about. call me a cynic whatever, i don't doubt that love is powerful, but i also don't believe its power is limitless. well, maybe certain types of love have limitless power...but i reserve the right to be skeptical.
i did see great trailers though! troy looks awesome (orlando bloom, brad pitt? i mean, c'mon!), and so does return of the king...32 days! there was this huge return of the king poster in front of the theater, i wanted to take that back with me!
went to ranch 99 after that, where i got some mee pok for dinner...or at least as close as you can come to mee pok...bought it to go, came back and shared it with tracy coz there was just way too much for me to finish alone (plus i needed to "dispose" of the things i didn't eat, like the prawns...vic, chris and kev, my main rubbish disposals, see how important you are, ha). finished my english reading notes for the coming week (pat on the back!), now i'm off to spend time with my good old friend willy s. again and read the tempest
"the hour's now come
the very minute bids thee ope thine ear
obey, and be attentive"
i did see great trailers though! troy looks awesome (orlando bloom, brad pitt? i mean, c'mon!), and so does return of the king...32 days! there was this huge return of the king poster in front of the theater, i wanted to take that back with me!
went to ranch 99 after that, where i got some mee pok for dinner...or at least as close as you can come to mee pok...bought it to go, came back and shared it with tracy coz there was just way too much for me to finish alone (plus i needed to "dispose" of the things i didn't eat, like the prawns...vic, chris and kev, my main rubbish disposals, see how important you are, ha). finished my english reading notes for the coming week (pat on the back!), now i'm off to spend time with my good old friend willy s. again and read the tempest
"the hour's now come
the very minute bids thee ope thine ear
obey, and be attentive"
knee still hurting! please pray...don't know if it's the weather or what, or i'm just not sleeping properly at night, but it hasn't hurt for a long time, so i don't understand why it should be now.
i passed my american institutions exam! praise the Lord...one less thing to worry about.
argh...knee.
"Invisible, it seems
but the beams
of light reflect
the depth
of being
revealing
that though it might not
(existence unsought)
appear
it sears
deep within
like a dream
of nightmarish content
till you're spent
and descend
stay away from the glare
that is not there -
reach the end"
(Illusion)
i passed my american institutions exam! praise the Lord...one less thing to worry about.
argh...knee.
"Invisible, it seems
but the beams
of light reflect
the depth
of being
revealing
that though it might not
(existence unsought)
appear
it sears
deep within
like a dream
of nightmarish content
till you're spent
and descend
stay away from the glare
that is not there -
reach the end"
(Illusion)
Friday, November 14, 2003
just got back from interpraise, this combined meeting with all the different campus fellowships. well, not all of them, but a great number. was an awesome time of just coming together as literally ONE body in Christ, worshipping him despite whatever differences might exist between fellowships. it was cool meeting people, both those that i already knew and new faces, and just chatting. it was wonderful seeing so many people worshipping together, and thinking...wow, this is a glimpse of heaven, but what a weak one. it's going to be infinitely better when we are there worshipping God for all eternity, the thought is so big i can hardly comprehend it! in fact, it exceeds the bounds of my imagination...it's something i can believe in and look forward to, but i just cannot picture what it will really be like. or rather, i can, but i know that anything i muster up will pale in comparison to heaven when we're actually there. there was a message too, on fear, and about how we fear too much the wrong things, and too little the right things, and therefore we lose the freedom that Christ has prepared for us. it was well presented, but too loosely connected with scripture, in my opinion.
came back after that, supposed to watch beauty and the beast and the italian job with tracy and a few other floormates, but they're waiting for this guy, spondee, to i don't even know do what...hope they start soon, so i can finish the movies and go to bed! it beckons...ha.
came back after that, supposed to watch beauty and the beast and the italian job with tracy and a few other floormates, but they're waiting for this guy, spondee, to i don't even know do what...hope they start soon, so i can finish the movies and go to bed! it beckons...ha.
just spent the last 15 minutes browsing through people's blogs: chris's worry about calculating CAP with a D (which my dearest, isn't going to happen), sweet pea's, kev's un-updated blog (eh...no more excuses ah, exams over!) and some other random people's. and i wonder, do people write differently when they know other people are going to be reading what they write? i thought i would, and i guess i still do to a certain extent. but i never thought i'd lapse into my "it's darkness out there" kind of non-sensical prose when i know the whole world could read it. did you read the one about a mom keying in her son's name into a search engine and it turning up his blog? (courtesy vic). he was horrified, to say the least...he was in the habit of doing stuff his mom never even dreamed of. and i guess if my mom found this blog on a search engine, i would be ok with it, but is that only because i don't say as much as i could be saying? in saying this, i think i've said too much. got to reserve some form of protection...put your life on display, but keep something back just in case. turn your life into html, and what's left? nothing that can't be copied and pasted, edited and posted and published and totally taken out of context and misunderstood.
totally abrupt change of subject: my knee is sore...it hasn't bothered me for a while, but today i thought i should go check up the name of the condition. i hate that word, makes me sound like i suffer from a chronic illness, which in a way it is, but it's nothing that deserves to be called chronic. anyway, it's called multiple exostosis...big name, fancy schmancy...all i know is it hurts, and it shouldn't. i'm young and strong, my body at my command...or is it? maybe God's reminding me my body is his holy temple, not my wonderland (nod to john mayer). i'm grateful at least it only bothers me once in a long long while, and i've never had to suffer like mom did because of her extra bones. am i some kind of freak? i know the right answer to that question, do i believe it?
"i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, i know that full well.
my frame was not hidden from you
when i was made in the secret place
when i was woven together in the depths of the earth
your eyes saw my unformed body
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be"
now that's true poetry. i wish one day i could write something like that, something so God-inspired the words last till the end of time. what am i saying, only God's word will last for eternity. does that mean everything i've written will fade to dust one day? or is everything i've ever written being carbon-copied somewhere in heaven, to be read back to me later, so that i either blush in shame, faint in horror, or laugh in amusement at my sorry self? i think i need to get away, i'm losing myself in this blog-land...after a while nothing seems real anymore. as i write my story i make it up, i start to live what i write. which came first, chicken or egg, does it matter?
darn the knee.
totally abrupt change of subject: my knee is sore...it hasn't bothered me for a while, but today i thought i should go check up the name of the condition. i hate that word, makes me sound like i suffer from a chronic illness, which in a way it is, but it's nothing that deserves to be called chronic. anyway, it's called multiple exostosis...big name, fancy schmancy...all i know is it hurts, and it shouldn't. i'm young and strong, my body at my command...or is it? maybe God's reminding me my body is his holy temple, not my wonderland (nod to john mayer). i'm grateful at least it only bothers me once in a long long while, and i've never had to suffer like mom did because of her extra bones. am i some kind of freak? i know the right answer to that question, do i believe it?
"i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, i know that full well.
my frame was not hidden from you
when i was made in the secret place
when i was woven together in the depths of the earth
your eyes saw my unformed body
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be"
now that's true poetry. i wish one day i could write something like that, something so God-inspired the words last till the end of time. what am i saying, only God's word will last for eternity. does that mean everything i've written will fade to dust one day? or is everything i've ever written being carbon-copied somewhere in heaven, to be read back to me later, so that i either blush in shame, faint in horror, or laugh in amusement at my sorry self? i think i need to get away, i'm losing myself in this blog-land...after a while nothing seems real anymore. as i write my story i make it up, i start to live what i write. which came first, chicken or egg, does it matter?
darn the knee.
had large group meeting last night, minh spoke on the importance and value of scripture memory. told us how the emphasis on scripture memory in navigators started. apparently, the founder of navigators first started going to church coz he was interested in this girl. the girl's church was having a scripture memory competition, so in order to impress her he learnt all of the different verses and knew them very well. and after a while they kept jumping out at him, when he walked along the street, romans 3:23 would come to his mind, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God", until one day he couldn't take it anymore, he decided to become a christian. pretty amazing story, but yeah...since then, he became a firm believer in the value of scripture memory. yeah...that wasn't the main point of the message of course, talked about treating God's word as a precious treasure, and it is too! it's amazing how you can just flip open the bible and have something written so long ago totally speak to your current situation. all scripture is God-breathed and inspired by the holy spirit. maybe coz i've always been a person of word, but the more i read it the more i find the bible a beautifully written book. after large group, we all went to get supper and minh gave everybody a treat again, super generous grandpa smurf! going to miss him, he returns to LA today.
can't believe it's friday already, this week has absolutely sped by, probably coz of the holiday on tuesday that sort of cut the week into 2 short weeks...but hey, i'm not complaining that the weekend's here. tomorrow i'm finally going to see the matrix. this time, i'm determined i will see it!
can't believe it's friday already, this week has absolutely sped by, probably coz of the holiday on tuesday that sort of cut the week into 2 short weeks...but hey, i'm not complaining that the weekend's here. tomorrow i'm finally going to see the matrix. this time, i'm determined i will see it!
Thursday, November 13, 2003
received good news today. i interviewed a while back for a tutoring position at the student learning center on campus. the interview went really well, and they told me they would email me about their decision. well, they never did, so i presumed they had decided not to take me, and i pretty much forgot about it. today they finally emailed back, and it turns out that they do want to hire me after all, i would start working for them in the spring if i decide to take the position. now i've got to decide which tutoring job i want to take, because i also have an offer from the academic center nearer to where i live. if i took that position i would work nights, and i can't decide if that's a good thing or not. i'm going to talk to the supervisor on monday and we'll see how things go...but praise God for more options to choose from!
thanks vic, for setting up the shout it out feature...for those of you who are wondering, click on the link below, and you can leave me your comments. yay! this whole process has suddenly become more interactive.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
sorry for the long silence...this is going to be an equally long blog. (long is relative, it's actually only been one and a half days, but that seems long). anyway, here's what i've been up to that i haven't had computer access.
last night, went to stanford for a concert by shane barnard and shane everette (if i think about it really hard, i come to the conclusion that they call themselves shane and shane). but anyway...it was at stanford, which is about an hour and a half's drive away...i was really psyched about getting to see "pretty stanford" but by the time we got there it was all dark so all i saw was the miniscule auditorium. drove up with the navs staff people, jenny, danny, milton and minh (who used to be their director when they were in LA) and jeff...since jeff and i were the only "children", "grandpapa smurf" (minh's new nickname...don't ask how it started) bought our tickets and dinner for us...felt kind of bad, but hey...not going to turn down a generous offer. shane and shane were good...but they had the support of these players from a band that opened from them, and i didn't really like those drummers and bass players, coz they were extremely punk...so much so that it was hard to hear the singers. and this was supposed to be a semi-worship concert, so some people really started worshipping, and i was really amazed they could worship with that sort of din going on. towards the end of the concert, shane and shane started playing some of their older songs, more acoustic-style, without the loud bass and drums, and very much more worship-like, and i enjoyed that a lot. but my favorite was actually the duo who opened for them...mike neagal and trent monk, very john mayer-ish, more mellow...got mike neagal's cd (signed by him too! gee...never thought i had the groupie spirit in me), danny got trent's, so we can switch...pity their combined cd doesn't come out till may, coz they sound really good together. that was the actual concert...we were planning to get dinner on the way up, but there wasn't any fast food place to stop at (palo alto is so dead! rich but dead...i'll tell you their equally dead school spirit story in a bit), so we ended up eating at 10, after the concert...was starving! junk food never tasted so good...well, junk food always tastes good, but last night it was especially so. anyway, here's stanford's "lack of school spirit" story: during the concert trent was trying to rev the crowd, so he asked, "how many of you here are stanford students?", and a measly bunch of them sort of cheer...then he asked, "how many of you are not stanford students?"...and the cheering was so much louder, someone even shouted from the front "go bears!", which is berkeley's mascot...so you see, the difference in school spirit, ha. stanford is our big rival, every year there's a "big game", essentially the most important football game of the year, and i actually heard someone say that the stanford people kind of wanted berkeley to win the game last year (it was held at berkeley) coz they knew that if stanford won they would have been trampled by over-zealous berkeley fans, ha...entirely possible.
but anyway...that was last night. came back at 11.30, went straight to bed, coz i had to get up early today. attended 7.30 prayer meeting (coz if you recall, i was rebuked by my roommate tracy into going), so got up at 6.45 to get ready and everything. it was a lovely morning, the sun was shining and all, so it was great to be praying early in the morning with a few other people. the prayer meeting lasted only half an hour coz some people have class at 8, but i went with everyone else to sproul plaza...which is like a long lane leading to the main gate of the school, so everyone has to walk past there...to table, that is, set up the navigators table so people can ask us questions and learn more about the ministry. but before i started tabling, had a long and good QT...found a warm and sunny spot and sat there praying. had the best prayer time i've had for a long time! i actually could have spent much more time there, but we were supposed to re-gather at 9, so i had to cut it short. when we were at the table, this black guy called jerome came up to us and started telling us a story about how his house was burnt down and how he had nowhere to live and all that...i have to confess i'm always suspicious when people like that tell their stories, especially since there are so many homeless bums in berkeley, but danny was full of love for him, listened to him for the longest time, prayed for him and offered to buy him lunch (the last of which i definitely wouldn't do!)...it was quite appropriate actually, coz just before jerome came along we had been talking about loving people unconditionally, and i guess danny was putting his faith into practice. so yeah...then i had class at 11, but they asked me to continue tabling from 12 to one, so i went for class, then went back to the table. spent a lot of time on sproul plaza today! and this looks like it's going to be a weekly thing, so no more coming online wednesday mornings for me anymore. i don't mind coz it's a very fulfilling experience (or very fulfilling experiences), of course i'll miss the chance to chat with everyone...but there's always the other days of the week.
attended a workshop on the psyD degree in the afternoon...it sounds fun, but really long and expensive. i've really got to pray very hard about what i want to do with my life after graduation...and hope that God speaks quickly! don't have that much time to decide. i really want to do something missions related, not necessarily in the sense of being an overseas missionary, but something that definitely furthers God's kingdom...and i don't know if a psyD would really be essential for that, or how helpful it would be. but yeah, pray for me in that area as well. ok, this has been really long...let the silence resume.
oh wait, before the silence resumes, got to tell you this really...noisy...story. i was walking home from dinner and i hear these loud sounds that sound like planks of wood falling, thought it was the construction nearby, although it doesn't make sense for them to be working so late at night. got back to my room and looked out of the window, the explosions were still going on and there was a fire going on across the road. it was coming from the pacific film archive which is a museum/theater, so we weren't sure if it was a real fire or a performance. but it was very loud and noisy, and there was lots of smoke...we were going down to check it out, when it suddenly stopped. someone said they were filming a movie, but i don't know what it was. apparently, if they were filming a movie, they didn't inform the firemen...coz 10 mins after the fire engines came blaring down the street (more noise!)...madness.
ok, silence now for real, till tomorrow that is.
last night, went to stanford for a concert by shane barnard and shane everette (if i think about it really hard, i come to the conclusion that they call themselves shane and shane). but anyway...it was at stanford, which is about an hour and a half's drive away...i was really psyched about getting to see "pretty stanford" but by the time we got there it was all dark so all i saw was the miniscule auditorium. drove up with the navs staff people, jenny, danny, milton and minh (who used to be their director when they were in LA) and jeff...since jeff and i were the only "children", "grandpapa smurf" (minh's new nickname...don't ask how it started) bought our tickets and dinner for us...felt kind of bad, but hey...not going to turn down a generous offer. shane and shane were good...but they had the support of these players from a band that opened from them, and i didn't really like those drummers and bass players, coz they were extremely punk...so much so that it was hard to hear the singers. and this was supposed to be a semi-worship concert, so some people really started worshipping, and i was really amazed they could worship with that sort of din going on. towards the end of the concert, shane and shane started playing some of their older songs, more acoustic-style, without the loud bass and drums, and very much more worship-like, and i enjoyed that a lot. but my favorite was actually the duo who opened for them...mike neagal and trent monk, very john mayer-ish, more mellow...got mike neagal's cd (signed by him too! gee...never thought i had the groupie spirit in me), danny got trent's, so we can switch...pity their combined cd doesn't come out till may, coz they sound really good together. that was the actual concert...we were planning to get dinner on the way up, but there wasn't any fast food place to stop at (palo alto is so dead! rich but dead...i'll tell you their equally dead school spirit story in a bit), so we ended up eating at 10, after the concert...was starving! junk food never tasted so good...well, junk food always tastes good, but last night it was especially so. anyway, here's stanford's "lack of school spirit" story: during the concert trent was trying to rev the crowd, so he asked, "how many of you here are stanford students?", and a measly bunch of them sort of cheer...then he asked, "how many of you are not stanford students?"...and the cheering was so much louder, someone even shouted from the front "go bears!", which is berkeley's mascot...so you see, the difference in school spirit, ha. stanford is our big rival, every year there's a "big game", essentially the most important football game of the year, and i actually heard someone say that the stanford people kind of wanted berkeley to win the game last year (it was held at berkeley) coz they knew that if stanford won they would have been trampled by over-zealous berkeley fans, ha...entirely possible.
but anyway...that was last night. came back at 11.30, went straight to bed, coz i had to get up early today. attended 7.30 prayer meeting (coz if you recall, i was rebuked by my roommate tracy into going), so got up at 6.45 to get ready and everything. it was a lovely morning, the sun was shining and all, so it was great to be praying early in the morning with a few other people. the prayer meeting lasted only half an hour coz some people have class at 8, but i went with everyone else to sproul plaza...which is like a long lane leading to the main gate of the school, so everyone has to walk past there...to table, that is, set up the navigators table so people can ask us questions and learn more about the ministry. but before i started tabling, had a long and good QT...found a warm and sunny spot and sat there praying. had the best prayer time i've had for a long time! i actually could have spent much more time there, but we were supposed to re-gather at 9, so i had to cut it short. when we were at the table, this black guy called jerome came up to us and started telling us a story about how his house was burnt down and how he had nowhere to live and all that...i have to confess i'm always suspicious when people like that tell their stories, especially since there are so many homeless bums in berkeley, but danny was full of love for him, listened to him for the longest time, prayed for him and offered to buy him lunch (the last of which i definitely wouldn't do!)...it was quite appropriate actually, coz just before jerome came along we had been talking about loving people unconditionally, and i guess danny was putting his faith into practice. so yeah...then i had class at 11, but they asked me to continue tabling from 12 to one, so i went for class, then went back to the table. spent a lot of time on sproul plaza today! and this looks like it's going to be a weekly thing, so no more coming online wednesday mornings for me anymore. i don't mind coz it's a very fulfilling experience (or very fulfilling experiences), of course i'll miss the chance to chat with everyone...but there's always the other days of the week.
attended a workshop on the psyD degree in the afternoon...it sounds fun, but really long and expensive. i've really got to pray very hard about what i want to do with my life after graduation...and hope that God speaks quickly! don't have that much time to decide. i really want to do something missions related, not necessarily in the sense of being an overseas missionary, but something that definitely furthers God's kingdom...and i don't know if a psyD would really be essential for that, or how helpful it would be. but yeah, pray for me in that area as well. ok, this has been really long...let the silence resume.
oh wait, before the silence resumes, got to tell you this really...noisy...story. i was walking home from dinner and i hear these loud sounds that sound like planks of wood falling, thought it was the construction nearby, although it doesn't make sense for them to be working so late at night. got back to my room and looked out of the window, the explosions were still going on and there was a fire going on across the road. it was coming from the pacific film archive which is a museum/theater, so we weren't sure if it was a real fire or a performance. but it was very loud and noisy, and there was lots of smoke...we were going down to check it out, when it suddenly stopped. someone said they were filming a movie, but i don't know what it was. apparently, if they were filming a movie, they didn't inform the firemen...coz 10 mins after the fire engines came blaring down the street (more noise!)...madness.
ok, silence now for real, till tomorrow that is.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
holiday today, yippee! went to bed at nearly 2 am last night, coz after small group meeting i went to play frisbee with the guys' small group...none of the girls in my small group wanted to play, i think i need to find more girl-friends! we played in the parking lot till midnight, then went to get boba (bubble tea)...we were really cold at first, then really hot after playing frisbee, then really cold after the boba, ha. but it was lots of fun...always nice to have a holiday the next day and be able to hang out till late at night. think all those guys are still fast in bed now, i got up at my usual unearthly hour to do QT, prepare for next week's bible study etc...now got to go and do reading for shakespeare, and edit my essay big time. sent my thesis statement to my reader and he just sent it back with corrections, so i guess i can get to working on it now.
Monday, November 10, 2003
it's dark outside, and you don't know how to...feel. there's a certain quietness about it that's not quite pleasant. for all its taciturnity it jumps out at you, like a thief lurking in the bushes waiting to scare you into dropping your guard, except that even when you have your guard up, it attacks, maybe even more so than if you hadn't. and you just want it to pass, but you know that first it has to get darker before it can grow light. and that when the light comes, that too will be replaced by darkness. so you just sit and be, because really, there's nothing else you can do, except to let the darkness grow on you, until it climbs like an ivy plant on a deserted tower so that soon you can't see the tower anymore. and you want to wonder, but you can't find the strength to, because you know that even if you did you'd just hit a wall...and hit a wall and hit a wall. it's dark outside, but that's nothing, compared to the darkness...prowling, stalking...deep inside of you. because once that hits you, you realize...you're being hunted...twice over.
(sorry...just in one of those moods)
(sorry...just in one of those moods)
This line from my english teacher's lecture notes is really beautiful:
"If the important thing about handling pain is not giving it merely human meaning but finding a way to see it as part of the real, then art is the major resource because it simply rearranges what we know in ways that seek comprehensiveness rather than discursive comprehension."
Why do we instinctively turn to music, art and literature? The human soul finds solace in art because it redefines reality for us. Maybe that's just a nice way of saying art helps us run away from our hurt and pain. But at the end of the day, who cares? If we use beauty as an escape, to override rationality, that's just another good reason to appreciate beauty. The artist calls: drown in art one day and emerge soaked in new life. How can we not respond to such a cry?
"If the important thing about handling pain is not giving it merely human meaning but finding a way to see it as part of the real, then art is the major resource because it simply rearranges what we know in ways that seek comprehensiveness rather than discursive comprehension."
Why do we instinctively turn to music, art and literature? The human soul finds solace in art because it redefines reality for us. Maybe that's just a nice way of saying art helps us run away from our hurt and pain. But at the end of the day, who cares? If we use beauty as an escape, to override rationality, that's just another good reason to appreciate beauty. The artist calls: drown in art one day and emerge soaked in new life. How can we not respond to such a cry?
Sunday, November 09, 2003
today's the national day of prayer for the persecuted church, and by coincidence we had a missionary to china come as a guest speaker. he's pretty amazing, because both him and his wife are korean-americans, so when they went to china they had to learn how to speak chinese from scratch (like duh) but now he is fluent enough to preach in chinese. he obviously had a great heart for God, but to be very honest, he wasn't that great a speaker or a storyteller...kind of repetitive, and very long...we were all getting very restless by the end of the sermon, especially since he went 30 minutes overtime. but may God bless his work in china, and his heart for the lost.
went kickboxing again today, dragged my friends ezra and jeff along. i went to the restroom when we arrived and told them to go in first. when i came out of the restroom, both of them were standing outside the room, not daring to go in, coz it looked like everyone in there were girls! ha, turned out to be everyone but about 4 guys...including the 2 of them, but i think they had fun anyway.
going to study till 9, then go up to vince's room to watch alias...bad habit, starting on a tv series. i'm quite relaxed now coz i'm done with midterms and i only have one more major paper to write (it's almost done!), but nearer finals i don't think i'll be able to afford the time to waste sunday night away. nevermind, day of rest...ha, think that's taking it out of context, coz i don't think day of rest was ever meant to be "day of wasting time". ah well, have to live a little.
went kickboxing again today, dragged my friends ezra and jeff along. i went to the restroom when we arrived and told them to go in first. when i came out of the restroom, both of them were standing outside the room, not daring to go in, coz it looked like everyone in there were girls! ha, turned out to be everyone but about 4 guys...including the 2 of them, but i think they had fun anyway.
going to study till 9, then go up to vince's room to watch alias...bad habit, starting on a tv series. i'm quite relaxed now coz i'm done with midterms and i only have one more major paper to write (it's almost done!), but nearer finals i don't think i'll be able to afford the time to waste sunday night away. nevermind, day of rest...ha, think that's taking it out of context, coz i don't think day of rest was ever meant to be "day of wasting time". ah well, have to live a little.
can't believe i forgot to blog this yesterday because i am so happy! one of the international students i used to work with in LA and tutor called me last night and i didn't pick up my phone, so she left me a voicemail. when i checked my voicemail (in mike's house), i was almost jumping up and down because she had called to say that she just became a Christian! praise the Lord over and over again...that was such fantastic news. which is why i say i can't believe i forgot to blog it yesterday.
anyway, went to vince's room to watch hercules (have i mentioned his disney streak yet?) and after that we watched some japanese anime thing, hoshi no koe, that was a little trippy...dark and deep. came back at 2 plus, the lights were all on in my room but i didn't see my roommate, thought she had gone out for a while to the restroom or something, so i just fell straight into bed without turning off the lights. when i woke up this morning, all the lights were still on and our door still unlocked...turns out she had already been in bed when i got back!
anyway, went to vince's room to watch hercules (have i mentioned his disney streak yet?) and after that we watched some japanese anime thing, hoshi no koe, that was a little trippy...dark and deep. came back at 2 plus, the lights were all on in my room but i didn't see my roommate, thought she had gone out for a while to the restroom or something, so i just fell straight into bed without turning off the lights. when i woke up this morning, all the lights were still on and our door still unlocked...turns out she had already been in bed when i got back!
Saturday, November 08, 2003
just got back from my next door neighbor, mike's, birthday party at his house. went there after we watched the movie...turned out that a lot of people hadn't seen reloaded, so we decided for their sake not to see revolutions. no matter, i'll go next saturday with my navs friends to catch revolutions. ended up watching this british romantic comedy, love actually, instead...it was really funny, typical brit humor, although some parts were rather r-rated, but sadly most movies nowadays are. there is such a cute boy in the movie! must go check up his name...he's maybe 7 years old? and he has a big problem, when his stepdad pries it out of him, he somberly says, "i'm in love". ok, for those of you who might catch it, i won't spoil anything else of the show. but his eyes, and hair, what beauty! ok, won't gush.
it was really funny...in the afternoon before i left for the movie, the rccs (the guys who fix computers in the dorms) were doing their rounds just checking to see if people had problems, so i just asked them in to take a look at my comp, not that (thank God!) there's anything wrong with it. and i guess other people had nothing wrong with their comps as well, coz the 4 or 5 of them ended up descending on my comp, so they were all in my room...and apparently i'm rather famous. "oh, you're the one whose comp steve had to take the hard drive out of!". just made me laugh, coz one of them was somewhere else and he called them to ask where they were, they said, "oh, we're in valerie's room", and that last guy instantly knew where they were. keep in mind that there are 4 buildings in the unit, there are 8 floors on each building, and there are 13 rooms on each floor...that's a lot of rooms, but instantly they said my room...it became crystal clear where they all were. not sure if this kind of reputation is good actually...ha.
it was really funny...in the afternoon before i left for the movie, the rccs (the guys who fix computers in the dorms) were doing their rounds just checking to see if people had problems, so i just asked them in to take a look at my comp, not that (thank God!) there's anything wrong with it. and i guess other people had nothing wrong with their comps as well, coz the 4 or 5 of them ended up descending on my comp, so they were all in my room...and apparently i'm rather famous. "oh, you're the one whose comp steve had to take the hard drive out of!". just made me laugh, coz one of them was somewhere else and he called them to ask where they were, they said, "oh, we're in valerie's room", and that last guy instantly knew where they were. keep in mind that there are 4 buildings in the unit, there are 8 floors on each building, and there are 13 rooms on each floor...that's a lot of rooms, but instantly they said my room...it became crystal clear where they all were. not sure if this kind of reputation is good actually...ha.
went to my friend's room to watch memento last night. was the 2nd time i'm watching the movie, and it made a whole lot more sense than the first time i did it. of course the first time i watched the movie it was on vcd at home, and i was also trying to do homework of some sort at the same time, so naturally that didn't work out too well. it's a pretty good movie...at least the concept is really unique and originial, though i wouldn't rant and rave over it like some people do. it's my roommate tracy's favorite movie, and personally i don't think it'll ever make it to my "favorites" list despite its creativity and psych associations (damage to hippocampus => loss of short term memory). lord of the rings still reigns supreme! gosh...read that russell crowe turned down the role of aragorn, am i glad he did. it would totally ruin the whole movie if he played aragorn, would be plain disrespect to a great character! 39 days, i'm counting down! ha.
before we watched the movie, walked to coldstone's creamery with 2 of my friends jianwei and haoren. don't know why these crazy people enjoy going to get icecream in the cold...and apparently they were not alone because it was really crowded at coldstone's. it always is, but then it's been really hot, so it's understandable that people would want icecream. but the freezing weather apparently doesn't deter crazy ppl from wanting icecream.
going to watch the matrix in a while. but first i have to meet up with the girlfriend of the guy who sold me this comp because they finally have a cdrom drive to pass to me, thank God! originally he wanted me to travel down to san francisco to get the cdrom drive, that would take at least an hour. but then his girlfriend had some errands to run in berkeley, so she's coming down instead. thank God again! everything has worked out really nicely. God is good all the time.
before we watched the movie, walked to coldstone's creamery with 2 of my friends jianwei and haoren. don't know why these crazy people enjoy going to get icecream in the cold...and apparently they were not alone because it was really crowded at coldstone's. it always is, but then it's been really hot, so it's understandable that people would want icecream. but the freezing weather apparently doesn't deter crazy ppl from wanting icecream.
going to watch the matrix in a while. but first i have to meet up with the girlfriend of the guy who sold me this comp because they finally have a cdrom drive to pass to me, thank God! originally he wanted me to travel down to san francisco to get the cdrom drive, that would take at least an hour. but then his girlfriend had some errands to run in berkeley, so she's coming down instead. thank God again! everything has worked out really nicely. God is good all the time.
Friday, November 07, 2003
i never thought i'd get the chance to say this, but i actually have free time on my hands! and i have no idea what to do with it. i actually have work to do of course, but i worked really hard in the morning already, finished reading my english book, progressed in my essay by one and a half pages, so i don't feel like doing anything "productive" now. plus it's friday! but for want of something better to do, i think i shall go do my english reading notes now...sigh, how did i become so boring?
didn't get to blog last night after navigators large group meeting, coz my friends ezra, vince and jeff came over to my room to "study", of course we didn't get very much work done, i know i didn't! i think the only person who got anything done was ezra, and that's coz he had a lab report due today. kicked them out of the room at 12 coz i wanted to go to bed, they all knew they had to leave anyway..."we know you go to bed early"...guess i've got a reputation for myself of sleeping early, but hey...12 isn't early at all! in fact, the night before i slept late as well coz jeff was over "studying" (as usual), and he kind of fell asleep on my floor, so it wasn't till i dug him up that i could go to bed. these study camps aren't very effective obviously.
large group was great. danny spoke on prayer, and how to be effective in prayer we have to cultivate a prayer life as Jesus did, it has to be a continual process we're committed to. we were talking about it after in my room, and the guys were discussing the weekly prayer meetings they have on wednesdays at 7.30. i never go...just coz i like to use the morning to do my own QT, chat, do homework etc...but they were egging me on to go, tracy had just come back from skating, and i was giving my lame excuses for not going for the prayer meetings, "it's too cold" etc, and she piped in, "no it's not! you're just making excuses!". and i had to repent on the spot...to have my non-Christian roommate rebuke me...that was a humbling experience, but i deserved it. so now i'm committed to attending prayer meetings on wednesday mornings. there is more than one way to glorify God, and i think one way is just being faithful in small things, even if it's leaving my room a little earlier than usual.
oh, almost forgot...we're (i'm) so quick to forget how good God is. mike, my next door neighbor, attended large group meeting tonight! praise the Lord! he's really moving in his own way, there's little i have done but he has been faithful in loving the people around me.
large group was great. danny spoke on prayer, and how to be effective in prayer we have to cultivate a prayer life as Jesus did, it has to be a continual process we're committed to. we were talking about it after in my room, and the guys were discussing the weekly prayer meetings they have on wednesdays at 7.30. i never go...just coz i like to use the morning to do my own QT, chat, do homework etc...but they were egging me on to go, tracy had just come back from skating, and i was giving my lame excuses for not going for the prayer meetings, "it's too cold" etc, and she piped in, "no it's not! you're just making excuses!". and i had to repent on the spot...to have my non-Christian roommate rebuke me...that was a humbling experience, but i deserved it. so now i'm committed to attending prayer meetings on wednesday mornings. there is more than one way to glorify God, and i think one way is just being faithful in small things, even if it's leaving my room a little earlier than usual.
oh, almost forgot...we're (i'm) so quick to forget how good God is. mike, my next door neighbor, attended large group meeting tonight! praise the Lord! he's really moving in his own way, there's little i have done but he has been faithful in loving the people around me.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
sights and sounds of berkeley...a mrs dalloway concoction, i do not profess to be virginia woolf:
she walked along, the campanile was playing in the background, the chimes ringing to the beat of her footsteps, creating a rhythm that flowed both in and through her, left right left right ring ring ring...a siren blared some distance off, this is a public service announcement, this is just a test, i repeat, this is just a test...the sound jarred on her ears and drowned out the campanile. it paused...ring ring ring...then blared again. the two sounds were in total conflict with each other in their natures, but yet seem to play off each other. blare ring blare ring. she walked. past the rows of homeless people, begging, busking, spare some change lady, take that sour look off your face that's better, i left my heart in...into the bookstore, nice and warm. rows upon rows of books waiting to be read, the smell of crisp, new paper giving her a wakeup jolt. she browsed the aisle, her eyes fell longingly onto one book after the other. then she shut her mental eye and walked back out of the bookstore into two women in mid-sentence. if he had done it one more time i would have got out of there...the florist next door suddenly splashed a bucket of old water onto the road, cutting in front of her, splash! she walked on. she would be late, it was ten minutes past! two men sitting at the bus-stop, talking silently, holding a dollar bill in his hand to pay for the bus, maybe his last dollar, another man, sitting behind the bus-stop, almost hiding...what from? she walked. her hands were stuffed tight in her pocket to escape the cold, she walked past more bookstores and had to fight the urge to go in. she was late. a woman walked by her, mini skirt, bright colored tights, tawdry hair, she was late. tobacco smoke, she turned her face away, water splashed, cut in front of her, two women talking...but i resolved to give him one more chance. she was late, she walked, hands in her pockets. the light was green but she was still halfway to the crossing, she willed it to stay green, half-expecting the walk sign to start flashing and the red light to come on. she sped up to beat the changing of the light, but realized she didn't have to when she was half way across the road and the walk sign was still steadily holding on. there were no cars on the road, where was everyone she wondered, she was late, it was ten minutes past! a couple rolled by, each on a bike, talking loudly at each other like there was no one else around. hush, she wanted to tell them, you're disturbing the peace and quiet. except who was there to appreciate the peace and quiet? she was late. they didn't even notice her, concentrating on their pedaling and each other, she walked on. she was almost there, and dreaded the thought of going into the house as much as she wanted to get out of the cold. the walk had not been nice, but she had enjoyed it, and now it was going to end because she had arrived. but no matter, she was late, it was ten minutes past, so she walked.
she walked along, the campanile was playing in the background, the chimes ringing to the beat of her footsteps, creating a rhythm that flowed both in and through her, left right left right ring ring ring...a siren blared some distance off, this is a public service announcement, this is just a test, i repeat, this is just a test...the sound jarred on her ears and drowned out the campanile. it paused...ring ring ring...then blared again. the two sounds were in total conflict with each other in their natures, but yet seem to play off each other. blare ring blare ring. she walked. past the rows of homeless people, begging, busking, spare some change lady, take that sour look off your face that's better, i left my heart in...into the bookstore, nice and warm. rows upon rows of books waiting to be read, the smell of crisp, new paper giving her a wakeup jolt. she browsed the aisle, her eyes fell longingly onto one book after the other. then she shut her mental eye and walked back out of the bookstore into two women in mid-sentence. if he had done it one more time i would have got out of there...the florist next door suddenly splashed a bucket of old water onto the road, cutting in front of her, splash! she walked on. she would be late, it was ten minutes past! two men sitting at the bus-stop, talking silently, holding a dollar bill in his hand to pay for the bus, maybe his last dollar, another man, sitting behind the bus-stop, almost hiding...what from? she walked. her hands were stuffed tight in her pocket to escape the cold, she walked past more bookstores and had to fight the urge to go in. she was late. a woman walked by her, mini skirt, bright colored tights, tawdry hair, she was late. tobacco smoke, she turned her face away, water splashed, cut in front of her, two women talking...but i resolved to give him one more chance. she was late, she walked, hands in her pockets. the light was green but she was still halfway to the crossing, she willed it to stay green, half-expecting the walk sign to start flashing and the red light to come on. she sped up to beat the changing of the light, but realized she didn't have to when she was half way across the road and the walk sign was still steadily holding on. there were no cars on the road, where was everyone she wondered, she was late, it was ten minutes past! a couple rolled by, each on a bike, talking loudly at each other like there was no one else around. hush, she wanted to tell them, you're disturbing the peace and quiet. except who was there to appreciate the peace and quiet? she was late. they didn't even notice her, concentrating on their pedaling and each other, she walked on. she was almost there, and dreaded the thought of going into the house as much as she wanted to get out of the cold. the walk had not been nice, but she had enjoyed it, and now it was going to end because she had arrived. but no matter, she was late, it was ten minutes past, so she walked.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
just came back from "redeeming columbine", a talk by daryl scott, who is the father of one of the girls killed during the columbine shooting. her name was rachel scott, and her story is pretty amazing, coz in her short life she touched an amazing number of people, and not only because she was a kind, compassionate person, but because she was a child of God. one of the friends of the killers was interviewed, and he said that even though he was a really unreligious person, he thought highly of rachel and said that "she was what christians were intended to be", and i thought that was beautiful...to live so that people speak of you so highly, not for who you are, but because of the light of God shining from you. it made the whole shooting incident seem so much more real, and so much closer to home...seeing rachel's dad on stage it was easy to feel his pain, yet at the same time his strength and fortitude in the face of darkness, strength that no doubt came from God. it was inspiring, and kinda eerie as well, coz he talked a bit about how rachel sort of knew she would die young, she talked about it occasionally with her friends in a real matter-of-fact way, just as she talked about making an impact of millions of lives around her. the one thing she believed in was that one person can start a chain reaction by extending a hand of kindness, a message that's been passed on literally to millions since her death. one of the challenges her dad gave us at the end was to say thank you to the people who have made a difference in our lives before it's too late. so here's a big thank you to all you lovely people. i'll get around to doing it personally, but in case i don't, know you're appreciated in any case.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
tuesday today...that means it's been an insane day, coz tuesdays always are.
left my room at 8.30 this morning, and (it's starting to be a habit) stepped back in for the first time at 8.30pm
had class...then during my lunch break i had an "equipping" session with jenny to prepare for going out and doing evangelism. then had class again. attended a workshop from 4-6 on writing an honors thesis...it's stressful listening to the things i have to do in order to graduate well. had an hour break in between during which i went down to university hall to ask about my sch fees (yup, this month's bill has arrived, and as usual there are questionable items on the bill)...then i went to jenny's for dinner after that coz she invited this new girl to her place and didn't want her to feel awkward being there alone. so yeah...i've had a really long, busy day. now have to work on my shakespeare paper.
yesterday during bible study we talked about assurance of forgiveness, about how after we confess our sins, God forgets about them. did a little "exercise" in which we wrote out our sins on a piece of paper (demoralizing activity, the list just kept growing...) and then burned the piece of paper to show symbolically how God forgives our sins and casts them aside. we did it on the balcony, but i was really afraid the fire alarm would go off, i'm paranoid by now...but yeah, that was a great experience.
right, on to do my paper now...i've worked on the outline for 3 days already and haven't moved beyond that!
left my room at 8.30 this morning, and (it's starting to be a habit) stepped back in for the first time at 8.30pm
had class...then during my lunch break i had an "equipping" session with jenny to prepare for going out and doing evangelism. then had class again. attended a workshop from 4-6 on writing an honors thesis...it's stressful listening to the things i have to do in order to graduate well. had an hour break in between during which i went down to university hall to ask about my sch fees (yup, this month's bill has arrived, and as usual there are questionable items on the bill)...then i went to jenny's for dinner after that coz she invited this new girl to her place and didn't want her to feel awkward being there alone. so yeah...i've had a really long, busy day. now have to work on my shakespeare paper.
yesterday during bible study we talked about assurance of forgiveness, about how after we confess our sins, God forgets about them. did a little "exercise" in which we wrote out our sins on a piece of paper (demoralizing activity, the list just kept growing...) and then burned the piece of paper to show symbolically how God forgives our sins and casts them aside. we did it on the balcony, but i was really afraid the fire alarm would go off, i'm paranoid by now...but yeah, that was a great experience.
right, on to do my paper now...i've worked on the outline for 3 days already and haven't moved beyond that!
Monday, November 03, 2003
it's funny how smell can remind you of a place. everytime i stepped into my house in LA the smell of the place was one of the strongest indications that i was no longer home in singapore. at least when i was there, i always thought of myself as "away from home", i never thought i'd be homesick for LA, not that i am now, but in a strange way i was transported back there today. i was changing to leave for class, i put on a blouse that i had only ever worn in LA (seeing it's thick and long-sleeved) and it smelt so much of LA suddenly i was there. it was an uncanny moment half like deja-vu, but not quite, because i was there yet wasn't...hard to explain.
anyway, was reading william faulkner in the morning...the narrator is talking about his father giving him a watch, recording what his father said to him, get this:
"i give it (the watch) to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it."
i think those are beautiful words to live by.
got my psych midterm grade back, got 97.6%...weird percentage, but i'm happy with it! and i got an A on my english paper rewrite, things are looking up...but got one more shakespeare paper to write, got a B on the last one, so need to work really hard on this one.
i think it totally ironic how i can endorse not living as a captive of time in one paragraph and then half-agonize over grades in the next. such are humans, such is me.
anyway, was reading william faulkner in the morning...the narrator is talking about his father giving him a watch, recording what his father said to him, get this:
"i give it (the watch) to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it."
i think those are beautiful words to live by.
got my psych midterm grade back, got 97.6%...weird percentage, but i'm happy with it! and i got an A on my english paper rewrite, things are looking up...but got one more shakespeare paper to write, got a B on the last one, so need to work really hard on this one.
i think it totally ironic how i can endorse not living as a captive of time in one paragraph and then half-agonize over grades in the next. such are humans, such is me.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
said i'd be back to complete the blog, but never did. my bad. anyway, it's a whole new day now, but let me recount yesterday.
after my exam i pretty much did nothing, went for lunch...watched the second half of virgin suicides, coz i started it last week but was too tired to continue. then i watched 3/4 of the talented mr. ripley, couldn't finish coz i had to go for dinner. i really hate watching movies halfway, but i've been doing that an awful lot lately.
after dinner i went to watch the women's volleyball team play arizona state and we won (go bears!)...so that was pretty good. it was freezing as we were walking home, but one of my crazy friends had the wild idea of going to yoghurt park (this icecream place) to get icecream (duh). didn't matter that we were all shivering, my other 3 friends all got huge cups of ice-cream...and i mean really huge. like i think the size of a small drink at mcdonald's...but imagine a cup of that size packed with icecream, it's enough to make you feel sick. so the three of them really struggled with their icecream, and i had wisely decided not to get any, but ended up eating lots anyway just to help them finish it off (3 big guys feeding little me their leftovers, ha). so we were even colder than before, silly...
then i went to my friend vince's room (he lives on the 8th floor) to watch tarzan. think i mentioned before that he's having this disney phase thing, so he wants to watch one disney movie a week, which is really fine by me. tarzan at least is a lot more normal than alice in wonderland was.
so that was saturday...today has been relatively low key. got my comp fixed, i'm online on my own comp now! praise the Lord! was late for church too...coz the rescomp guy was half an hour late for his appointment, hope God forgives me, i didn't mean to put my computer before him, i didn't really have a choice...but i ask for forgiveness anyway, heh.
now i'm warm (well, relatively) in my room...but soon i'll have to go out and freeze again, going kickboxing with my friends, it's quite fun so we keep going back. sure will get us warmed up!
after my exam i pretty much did nothing, went for lunch...watched the second half of virgin suicides, coz i started it last week but was too tired to continue. then i watched 3/4 of the talented mr. ripley, couldn't finish coz i had to go for dinner. i really hate watching movies halfway, but i've been doing that an awful lot lately.
after dinner i went to watch the women's volleyball team play arizona state and we won (go bears!)...so that was pretty good. it was freezing as we were walking home, but one of my crazy friends had the wild idea of going to yoghurt park (this icecream place) to get icecream (duh). didn't matter that we were all shivering, my other 3 friends all got huge cups of ice-cream...and i mean really huge. like i think the size of a small drink at mcdonald's...but imagine a cup of that size packed with icecream, it's enough to make you feel sick. so the three of them really struggled with their icecream, and i had wisely decided not to get any, but ended up eating lots anyway just to help them finish it off (3 big guys feeding little me their leftovers, ha). so we were even colder than before, silly...
then i went to my friend vince's room (he lives on the 8th floor) to watch tarzan. think i mentioned before that he's having this disney phase thing, so he wants to watch one disney movie a week, which is really fine by me. tarzan at least is a lot more normal than alice in wonderland was.
so that was saturday...today has been relatively low key. got my comp fixed, i'm online on my own comp now! praise the Lord! was late for church too...coz the rescomp guy was half an hour late for his appointment, hope God forgives me, i didn't mean to put my computer before him, i didn't really have a choice...but i ask for forgiveness anyway, heh.
now i'm warm (well, relatively) in my room...but soon i'll have to go out and freeze again, going kickboxing with my friends, it's quite fun so we keep going back. sure will get us warmed up!
