Sunday, February 01, 2004
ok, that's it...permanent migration to bloghorn. if goh chok tong wants to berate me, let him.
which is the worse sin? thinking someone is irresponsible, has zero initiative and is not fit to live, or when meeting that person smiling and pretending that it's ok for that person to live an irresponsible, initiative-less life?
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
i could feel the bitterness in your voice, cutting through the air already thick with tension between us. i decided to laugh it off. what had i done to deserve such treatment? i had never made you any promises; we had never had any agreement of obligation to each other. i resented the fact that you resented the fact that i had a life beyond what you knew. was it my fault? maybe my not speaking up sooner had violated what trust had been built up between us. was our knowledge of each other so volatile? i withdrew, fearing that if i took another step forward, what little was left between us would shatter. we made the rest of the walk in silence. will we ever be able to speak again? not just exchange words, but understand each other even without language? what broke between us caused not an irreparable breach, maybe, just a glass wall that will prevent us from ever truly hearing one another again.
Monday, January 26, 2004
i was holding a brand new book. it slipped from my hands and fell into a puddle far away, and sank into the puddle and was completely submerged. i'll get it for you, he said, and started running towards the puddle. don't bother, it's ok, i started to say but before the words were out of my mouth he was striding across the parking lot, jumping over puddles that varied in depth and murkiness, the one my book was lying in being the deepest and blackest of all, as black as the night sky we were under. i saw it coming before he did, the huge truck racing across the parking lot, i opened my mouth to scream a warning but all i could do was run closer to where he stood bent over, picking up my book. he looked up as the truck approached, and fell flat on his back. i hid my face in my hands, not wanting to see what would come next, and when next i peeked, miraculously the truck had swerved past him. i was about to breathe a sigh of relief but then realized the truck had crashed into two other persons who then faded from the scene. he walked back to me, bloodied and breathless, holding the book in his hand. it was dry, although now it looked old. i wondered why i didn't feel more gratitude than i did. the last thing i remember...i took the book from him, and then darkness.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
"you were screaming you head off and flailing (hdysi) your arms and we could hear you screaming though the scream sounded far-away and High.
it's like a constant bird-cry in the background or something (there was only one scream - yours) and we were commenting that you were screaming pretty loudly."
telekinesis? psychonut connection? it's scary when people hear things you haven't said just the way you would have said it.
it's like a constant bird-cry in the background or something (there was only one scream - yours) and we were commenting that you were screaming pretty loudly."
telekinesis? psychonut connection? it's scary when people hear things you haven't said just the way you would have said it.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
walking alone, i can
move at my own pace
run when i want
rest if i need to
pause to look at the
world around me
breathe
start at my own time
stop when i'm done
walking alone, i only have
my shadow
to contend with
move at my own pace
run when i want
rest if i need to
pause to look at the
world around me
breathe
start at my own time
stop when i'm done
walking alone, i only have
my shadow
to contend with
Thursday, January 15, 2004
how good it is for sisters to dwell together. how good the years together have been, and how promising those to come are. i was recently reminded how precious it is to have friends to grow up (and eventually, to grow old) with...i thank God for each of you, idiosyncrasies and all. cheers to the p/pee/pea/however-you-want-to-spell-it club. here's to many godchildren with increasingly sane names, ha.
Friday, January 09, 2004
being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. i'm not even one and i can vouch for that! i think one of the reasons it's so hard is that we try to create a perfectly fair world for children, try to teach them that if they share, the world will share with them, that if they are kind and polite they will be treated well by everyone else. we want them to think that the only way to succeed is to make sure the cake is cut right down the middle and everyone gets an equal portion. we want them to believe that as they behave, so the world will behave towards them. but the real world is not like that, and that's where we get into trouble. we create an artificial environment for children, bring headaches onto ourselves while doing so, and end up with children who get shocked when they discover what the world really is like. i'm not saying we should thrust children into the ugliness of the world the moment they're born. i'm merely recognizing the impossibility of being both a good and entirely honest parent at the same time. then again, maybe if all children were taught the golden rule when they were young and grew up practicing it, the world might be a much better place. train up a child in the way he should grow, and when he is old he shall not depart from it. it might seem futile trying to battle the brutality of the world, but while there is still kindness existing out there, no matter in how sparse amounts, maybe it's worth building those glass bubbles for children, so that as they grow up they can make their own decisions whether or not to let the bubble burst.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
it has been brought to my attention that i'm the only one who can't view the blogspot sites, since they all load fine on chris's computer, how perfectly annoying. as such, this blog has just become a more lifelike version of me - the world has a better view of it than i have.
Friday, January 02, 2004
it's hard not to feel resentful when you're expected to drop everything you have planned at the ring of a doorbell, and play nanny to children that are not yours. how does my mom do it everyday? but i have learnt that love is truly powerful, because it is stronger than the impulsive selfish thoughts that arise, "why should i make this sacrifice?"...and you realize that you do it because you love, and that love means giving till it hurts.
Thursday, January 01, 2004
realized that i gave you all the wrong link to my xanga, apologies. this time i'll get it right.
Monday, December 29, 2003
burning...with...fever. head throbbing, body aching...liveless. cold yet hot, out of sorts. chills...like the pinprick of needles. maybe this is a psychological illness, i think i am hurting from inside out.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
how long has it been since i came into your presence, and was silent and still...and just was? how long has it been since i allowed you beneath the surface of the polished exterior, to let you see the cracks and the wounds that refuse to fade into scars? how long since i let you see the quiver behind the smile, the uncertainty behind every word, the questions hidden by pride? how long since i came, knowing i was broken and ugly, but knowing that my imperfect self was perfectly ok in your sight, was in fact what you loved about me? how long since i sat at your feet, and allowed myself to get lost in your love, and knew that it was alright to stop running...that there was nowhere i could really run to? too long...far too long. i thank you that you never give up calling out to me...till i give in and return to where you are.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
it should not be possible to feel lonely in a roomful of people.
but it is.
smiles and greetings should always be intended to welcome.
but they aren't.
it should not be permissible to feel like an alien in your own home.
but it is.
even the most self assured of people sometimes return to the mirror for a second glance.
but it is.
smiles and greetings should always be intended to welcome.
but they aren't.
it should not be permissible to feel like an alien in your own home.
but it is.
even the most self assured of people sometimes return to the mirror for a second glance.
Friday, December 26, 2003
"welcome to agrabah
city of enchantment and mystery
please, please come closer
too close, a little bit too close..."
do i really want to bare my soul?
city of enchantment and mystery
please, please come closer
too close, a little bit too close..."
do i really want to bare my soul?
i have returned to civilization! i am a city girl at heart after all...australia was fun in its own way, but if i had to sum up the vacation in one word, it would be this: crocheting. i've spent so much time crocheting over the past few days my ring finger is numb (is that a bad omen?). yes, i who exasperated miss chen during home economics by sewing my reversible vest so irreversibly shut together that not even the arm holes could be found...how crazy. while everyone else relaxed, i was bored out of my mind...although i did get to rewatch the extended version of the two towers.
checked my grades on bear facts and i got an F for my shakespeare class, nearly had a heart attack on the spot...subsequently checked bearmail where i got 2 emails from professor knapp. the first telling me that my 2nd paper could not be found so he would have to give me an F, the second telling me not to worry, that it had been found and that everything was alright...seriously... i hope that wasn't his idea of a practical joke. i very politely emailed him back and wished him merry christmas, though...he replied with his own christmas greetings but i still don't know what my grade is save that it's not an F, didn't need him to tell me that. ah well, it makes for a good story.
we sat on the airport floor playing bridge yesterday while waiting to board the plane. it was hilarious...i was doubled over with laughter. papa still can't get the hang of the game and he makes the most entertaining mistakes. guess it's fun enough when i'm not his partner, which fortunately, i wasn't. love that game...if it isn't obvious already.
i'm off to watch return of the king now!
~~~
it's all over...after all the anticipation there's nothing else to look forward to. i'm talking about lord of the rings of course. return of the king was awesome, as expected...except the ending was really slow, though i think i'm really ok with that. i wonder just how long the extended version is going to be. i've drawn a few conclusions after watching return of the king...
i could listen to the soundtrack over and over...so good.
viggo mortenson does better as the brooding ranger than as a morale-boosting king, he did well at it, but he had to try much much harder...
i love it how a female kills the nazgul..."i am not a man" and he shrivels up. how cool is that?
the real hero of the movie isn't frodo. so why is so much attention paid to him? because he's got the blue blue eyes and the permanently distressed look...always works.
samwise gamgee is awesome. i'd love to have a friend like him. no...i'd love to be a friend like him.
i was sneezing and sneezing all throughout the movie, had to make use of the noisy fight scenes to blow my nose coz i didn't want to annoy the people around me. by the end of the movie i had wads of kleenex on me, think i must have looked (and sounded) like i was weeping buckets throughout the movie. well, the movie has ended but i'm still sniffling away...argh, annoying.
~~~
a little bit of admin stuff...i am officially referring you to my xanga site so i don't have to keep copying and pasting anymore. i'll keep this blog more as a personal journal type thing, which probably means i'll be blabbering away on stuff that no one else is interested in...for (a little more) coherent updates on my life, click the link above and bookmark that site instead. thank you for visiting http://psychonut1.blogspot.com, you've all been excellent customers, heh...
checked my grades on bear facts and i got an F for my shakespeare class, nearly had a heart attack on the spot...subsequently checked bearmail where i got 2 emails from professor knapp. the first telling me that my 2nd paper could not be found so he would have to give me an F, the second telling me not to worry, that it had been found and that everything was alright...seriously... i hope that wasn't his idea of a practical joke. i very politely emailed him back and wished him merry christmas, though...he replied with his own christmas greetings but i still don't know what my grade is save that it's not an F, didn't need him to tell me that. ah well, it makes for a good story.
we sat on the airport floor playing bridge yesterday while waiting to board the plane. it was hilarious...i was doubled over with laughter. papa still can't get the hang of the game and he makes the most entertaining mistakes. guess it's fun enough when i'm not his partner, which fortunately, i wasn't. love that game...if it isn't obvious already.
i'm off to watch return of the king now!
~~~
it's all over...after all the anticipation there's nothing else to look forward to. i'm talking about lord of the rings of course. return of the king was awesome, as expected...except the ending was really slow, though i think i'm really ok with that. i wonder just how long the extended version is going to be. i've drawn a few conclusions after watching return of the king...
i could listen to the soundtrack over and over...so good.
viggo mortenson does better as the brooding ranger than as a morale-boosting king, he did well at it, but he had to try much much harder...
i love it how a female kills the nazgul..."i am not a man" and he shrivels up. how cool is that?
the real hero of the movie isn't frodo. so why is so much attention paid to him? because he's got the blue blue eyes and the permanently distressed look...always works.
samwise gamgee is awesome. i'd love to have a friend like him. no...i'd love to be a friend like him.
i was sneezing and sneezing all throughout the movie, had to make use of the noisy fight scenes to blow my nose coz i didn't want to annoy the people around me. by the end of the movie i had wads of kleenex on me, think i must have looked (and sounded) like i was weeping buckets throughout the movie. well, the movie has ended but i'm still sniffling away...argh, annoying.
~~~
a little bit of admin stuff...i am officially referring you to my xanga site so i don't have to keep copying and pasting anymore. i'll keep this blog more as a personal journal type thing, which probably means i'll be blabbering away on stuff that no one else is interested in...for (a little more) coherent updates on my life, click the link above and bookmark that site instead. thank you for visiting http://psychonut1.blogspot.com, you've all been excellent customers, heh...
Sunday, December 21, 2003
howdy from australia...just a quick entry coz i'm at the public library at armadale, not exactly the best place to hog the computer. it's unbelievably slow out here...i think relaxing is the word most people prefer...takes a little imagination for me to see it that way.
i made 3 new bridge converts last night! papa, aunty fong and aunty oi lin...who says you can't teach old dogs new tricks? ha...papa was extremely confused (and still is i think), but hey...it's a start. tonight they want to play again. after 4 months of bridge fast (actually, not entirely, coz i played some with the other singaporeans at cal)...i'm back in business!
i made 3 new bridge converts last night! papa, aunty fong and aunty oi lin...who says you can't teach old dogs new tricks? ha...papa was extremely confused (and still is i think), but hey...it's a start. tonight they want to play again. after 4 months of bridge fast (actually, not entirely, coz i played some with the other singaporeans at cal)...i'm back in business!
